Meaning Making

Big Questions, Small Moments, & New Adventures.

I’m really excited for this new year.

I don’t often feel the same excitement I used to about life, but this year is bringing up genuine excitement for me. I think it’s because I’m starting to understand that a lot of my inner anguish is caused by not wielding the energy I have access to.

Before I had my son, I was on a spiritual quest to explore and understand. I followed my curiosities and answered the most obscure calls for care I got from my body and spirit. After I had my son, I experienced a lot of grief in what I perceived to be the death of the person I knew myself to be.

One of our favorite pastimes is walking around the neighborhood in his pushcar. It’s always nice to look at our neighbors’ decorations and gardens. Last Halloween, one of the homes had a tombstone in the front yard. It said, “death is not an ending but a doorway to new life.” As I’ve been flowing with the heavy grief of releasing maidenhood, I got it in my head that I am a completely new person as a mother. While there is a level of truth to that, I’m at the stage where I see that all the life I lived before motherhood didn’t get sucked up into a vacuum somewhere. Instead, it has become the fertilizer for the new being I am now. As I find myself with the time and emotional space to pick up some of my old interests and hobbies, I see that who I was before is still very much alive in me.

All the lessons I learned have sunk in more deeply, and all the ways I used to wield my energy are now available to me with greater attention to detail and skill than before. Everything I’ve garnered up to this point has shaped the type of mother I am. My son is about to be two and a half, and I find that I’m allowing him to see that person more and more each day.

I think in those early days of motherhood, I had the idea that I had to sort of “entertain” my son. I would plan our days to keep us occupied and active, ensuring he got enough stimulation so he had good naps and nighttime sleep. Though it was a natural consequence, I didn’t primarily see being with him all day as an opportunity for us to get to know each other.

In our third winter together, I find myself slowing down and moving more with the flow of being rather than doing. Of course, we are doing things all day long, painting, playing in the backyard, making and eating food, reading, cleaning, and sometimes running errands. But now in my mind, these activities serve as a backdrop to our being together rather than the main purpose of our time together.

I recently watched a video encouraging folks to put down our phones and allow ourselves to be bored so that we can access our greatest ideas and give ourselves space to explore the bigger questions of life.

Dr. Arthur Brooks, Harvard Professor and author of The Happiness Files, cites an experiment where participants were placed in a room with nothing to do for fifteen minutes, except the option to press a button. The catch was that pressing that button sent a painful electric shock to their system. Most people choose to press the button rather than sit there doing nothing.

He talks about this part of our brain called the Default Mode Network that takes over when we are bored and can lead us to exploring the existential. Though this exploration can be uncomfortable, it is necessary for creating a life of meaning and purpose.

Regarding motherhood, I’m currently working within the framework of shared being and creativity rather than entertaining and teaching. It’s allowed me to share really inspiring moments of flow with my son and to take on even greater adventures together.

In December, we had family visiting us from overseas, and we all took a trip to Downtown LA. I would typically shy away from such a trip with Bear because of his high energy and robust curiosity. I get nervous bringing him into new environments with lots of variables because, as he put it recently, “I want to touch everything.” It was a lot of work keeping up with him in the city, but with my family's help and my willingness to be part of the process, we had a great time, and it was incredibly fulfilling watching him take in this new experience.

This new framework of purpose also creates meaning and peace in the smaller moments we share, like washing dishes together, because it encourages me to enjoy the time we share together rather than being hyper-focused on the goal of washing and putting away the dishes.

This year, I’m excited to see how this mindset shift plays out in motherhood, as well as in my creative pursuits and career.

Dare I say it, I’m excited to be bored and to see what comes out of that boredom.